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The Fly

(1979/1967)

What the fuck? The Fly was one of Spider-Man's enemies back in the day who had all the powers of a fly, like... uh... being really annoying... and touching your food so you have to throw it away, and... eating dog crap, I guess. Obviously he was such a stupid character that not only did they kill him off, but they didn't even have Spider-Man do it- he just got shot (in the back) by some random guy! What a fucking loser. That's why it's so weird that he got his own video- who the hell would buy a tape starring the Fly? And why is he washing dishes on the cover? Maybe they made a deal with him: if he did everybody's chores for a month, he would get his own video, just like the more popular characters. Seems like a fair trade-off to me.

Anyway, there's three cartoons on this tape. In the first one, this scientist sends a bionic midget (I'm serious- that's what he calls himself) to steal all this stuff so he can use it to make himself into the Fly. His plan works, but then Spider-Woman (nice rack) shows up. The Fly sprays her with this shit that takes away her superpowers, but she uses her dad's secret research journal* to figure out how to like duplicate his ridiculously irresponsible experiment that made her Spider-Woman in the first place. Now that she's back in business, she tracks the Fly down and clobbers him in about two seconds. Then she goes to dinner with her sidekicks and one of them finds a fly in his soup. Ha ha! Assholes.

In the second cartoon there's a totally different Fly, and he's just some guy who crawls up buildings and rips people off. Spider-Man decides to catch him, but it turns out the Fly has a partner and they fake him out. Later the Flies steal this priceless dagger, but Spider-Man put a tracer on it so he's able to find their secret hideout. The Flies spring this insanely complicated trap on him, but it takes more than that to stop Spider-Man so he webs them up and then pounds the absolute shit out of them. I'm sure glad I wasn't one of those guys; you need to chill the fuck out, Spidey. Jesus.

There's no Fly at all in the last one (lousy rip-off...). Spider-Man has to catch this guy who's stealing all the city's oil and using it to... actually, I don't know what the fuck he's doing. He says he's making "concentrated oil pellets" that will let him "control the universe", but I think he's just a few cans short of a six-pack. Whatever; Spider-Man puts a stop to it. Then when it's all over this one chick says "Oil's well that ends well." Somebody should've slapped her right in the mouth.

*It says "Secret Research Journal" right on the cover.