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Frankenstein

(1981)

This is the japanimated version of Frankenstein and I guess they didn't want to work too hard that week because mostly they just animated people sitting around talking so it's the most boring Frankenstein movie ever made. It starts out okay: this doctor makes a Frankenstein monster and it goes apeshit, so he gives his assistant a gun and tells him to take care of it while the doctor runs away. What a cunt. The monster pokes one of the assistant's eyes out, but then it falls over a cliff and that seems to be the end of that.

The doctor goes home and that's when this shitty movie really starts to suck. All they do is talk for like half an hour- who wants to see a cartoon of that? Finally the monster turns up again and the doctor decides to blow it away, but it kicks his ass and goes and hides in a cabin with this blind dude and the doctor's little daughter. Now more boring shit happens, like the little girl showing the monster how to make bread and playing with him outside. Meanwhile I guess the doctor is a little confused, because he just wanders around the woods for hours firing his gun off in random directions. If he was drunk, it would be just like deer season in Michigan.

Anyway, everybody knows the best way to deal with the Frankenstein monster is to get a mob together and start a fire, so that's what they do. It doesn't work out so well this time, though: they end up killing the doctor's wife by mistake but the monster gets away. Next the daughter's little boyfriend tries to shoot the monster but the monster wastes him instead. By this time the monster is more-or-less responsible for the deaths of like half a dozen people, so he does what every asshole does after he's done so much evil shit that there's no other way to weasel out of it: he decides to find Jesus. It may have worked for that self-centered shiteater Sean Sellers,* but it doesn't work this time around and the mob still comes after him. They finally corner him so he jumps off a cliff. Falling off a cliff didn't hurt him before, but it's about time to wrap things up so this time he dies. The little girl just saw her mom, her boyfriend, and her monster friend all bite it, but I guess her dad doesn't think that's enough traumatic shit for one day because when it's all over he turns a gun on himself and commits suicide right in front of her. Seriously, this kid is fucked up for life. Nice work, Dr. Cocksucker.

*Try saying that three times really fast.