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Freddy's Dead
The Final Nightmare

(1991)

Okay, first of all, fuck these assholes for pretending this would be the last one of these stupid movies, because years before it was even made we all knew that was bullshit. And second, fuck Freddy Krueger, because he sucks; in this flick he pretends to be the Wicked Witch of the West, jumps around making stupid faces like Rush Limbaugh, rocks out to Iron Butterfly, becomes a video game,* and, most of all, sucks an enormous amount of cock. How is any of this second-rate retardation supposed to be scary? It's just a huge shit sandwich, and you're not allowed to have dessert until you finish every bite and when you finally do it turns out dessert is also shit. Even the good parts - where people die horrific deaths - suck. The dumbest one this time around is when he kills a kid by giving him super hearing. See, his hearing is so amped up that it hurts his ears when Freddy drops a pin, and finally when Freddy rakes his claws against a chalkboard the kid's head explodes. Of course the whole time the kid is yelling at Freddy not to do these things, but for some reason the yelling doesn't hurt his ears. I guess we're not supposed to notice that. The only reason to watch this pinheaded garbage is because the main chick is the dame from Bad Influence, and scientists are just beginning to learn how to measure how fucking hot she is. Just watching her stand is sexier than the last four times I got laid. Why the hell don't we ever see her naked? I know Freddy Krueger prefers little boys and shit, but there's the rest of us to consider here.

*Remember the actual Freddy Krueger video game? Fuck you for that one, Nintendo.