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Frozen Flesh

(2008)

When I first got done watching this epic cornholing I thought somebody in the office was pulling a fast one and ended up yelling at our intern until she cried, but it turns out it really is an actual movie so now I have to treat her to dinner or she'll tell her stupid liberal arts college that we "foster a bad work environment". That would blow seeing as they're already on the verge of not letting students intern with us at all. I can't imagine what they'd say if they found out I talked our last one into getting an abortion. Seriously though, it really was the best decision. For everybody.

Anyway, in this "movie" some dude takes almost two fucking hours to cook a hand (at least that's what I assume he's doing), and most of that time the camera is just pointed at random shit (like a faucet) for minutes on end. In fact, the last half an hour is just this joker standing in one place pretending to stab something with a knife! Now if the jackwad who made this aimed that goddamned camera (which someone should take away from him, I might add) at some tits we might have something here, but as it is this is the closest a movie has ever come to just staring at the wall. Maybe you could play it at some bar where artistic fucks like to hang out, but I doubt even they could stand it and those junkie idiots will put up with anything. When I see something like this it always makes me wonder how much mysterious shit from the past that experts can't figure out is really just some ancient version of pretentious crap. Think about it- some wiseass could sneak a copy of this into a time capsule or something and thousands of years from now people would dig it up and be like "What does it all mean?" Actually that would be fucking hilarious- if anybody out there can make this happen you need to get ahold of me ASAP. We should try to get a copy of The Studly Coalition in there too.