Home

Gamera:
The Guardian of the Universe

(1995)

In case you're one of those people who has absolutely no idea what's going on, Gamera was a giant turtle that flew around Japan helping children and saving the day in the 1970s. They stopped making his movies for a pretty long time, but I guess when 1995 rolled around they figured drugs were popular enough again that they could start making new ones. In this one these giant bats show up and start eating people and busting everything up. Just when it seems like they finally caught the fuckers, Gamera shows up & distracts everybody and two of them escape. Everybody is even more worried about Gamera than the bats,* but lucky for the nips Gamera doesn't like bats and blows one of them to pieces with his fire breath (this part was hilarious). The other bat gets a lot bigger and looks like he might give Gamera more of a run for his money, so Gamera has to like draw energy or something from this super-cute little teenage chick** to make himself tough enough to kick its ass. I can't believe Gamera has to tag out to a fifteen-year-old girl. No wonder his movies aren't as popular as Godzilla's.

*"Will it attack Tokyo?" this one chick asks. You naїve bitch.

**The chicks in Gamera movies are always smokin' hot for some reason- I wish they had nudity in them.