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The Girl Hunters

(1963)

At the very beginning it says this is from "Colorama Features", but the movie's in black & white! Morons. It's a Mike Hammer movie, and if you know anything you know Mike Hammer is a total fucking badass who usually kicks the shit out of everyone, fucks their girls, wrecks their cars, and then spends all their money, which he stole from them previously right before he did all that other stuff. The only problem is this time they got some bozo who doesn't know shit about Mike Hammer to play him- they have to say that he's been like a homeless drunk for years or something just to make it believable that it's the same guy. Now instead of being this awesome two-fisted ass-kicking bastard, he's crying like a bitch about some broad and drinking PBR. Everyone still sort of acts like they think he's bad, but it's a lot like that old TV show The Equalizer where the Equalizer acted all hard and everyone was afraid of him even though he was just some old coot and if you called his bluff his pacemaker would have probably given out or something. Only instead of being old Mike Hammer is just a fat slob.

Anyway, the movie is all about Mike Hammer looking for his hot-ass secretary because he used to poke her and, like most guys, once he got old and fat he suddenly decided that he was in love with her since she's the only chick who would still throw it out to him.* He has a few adventures and after a while some cool shit happens, like when he forces this dude to eat a bullet, or when he nails some guy's hand to the floor, but mostly it's pretty weak. They even fuck up some parts that should have rocked, like when they have this huge fistfight in front of a table saw that's running and you just know someone's gonna get thrown on the saw, but then no one does. There's no tits either, but this one hottie does flaunt her shit in a bikini every time we see her, probably because every time we see her she's in the swimming pool, even in like the middle of the afternoon on a weekday. That bitch needs to get herself a job or something.

*When it's all over they totally forget to have Mike Hammer find the secretary, by the way, so if you like movies that have an end and shit you might want to skip this one.