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The Glow

(2002)

Barney Miller, Laura Palmer's mom, and some other old fogies who live in this big apartment building are obsessed with being healthy and shit (not that you can tell from Barney Miller's huge gut, but whatever), and they stay that way by taking young people, tying them up in the basement, and stealing their "glow". I'm not exactly sure what the fuck that means or how they do it since the movie can't be bothered to tell us,* but basically it's Cocoon except evil, which is an awesome idea. Too bad nothing the old people do makes any fucking sense: they like manufacture all this evidence to keep Clark Kent & his hot-ass wife from figuring out something fucked-up is going on; bring in a fake cop to support their story and shit; push a chick who's nosing around out a 14-story window; run over a guy who starts to figure it out with a pickup truck... all this so in the end they can just tie Clark and the wife to a cot in the basement and stick a needle in their asses? Why the hell didn't they just knock 'em upside the head with a blackjack and take care of business the first day they got there? Plus what's with the huge complicated plans they come up with to make it look like Clark is having this affair and to get the wife to miscarry or whatever? What the fuck did either of those things have to do with anything? Maybe, like a lot of retirees, they're just bored and like to have little side projects to work on when they aren't busy killing people.

The worst part about all this though is that Clark Kent's wife really is insanely fucking hot, but even though she gets a bathtub scene, a shower scene, a sauna scene, and spends most of the end running around in just a sheet, we never actually get to see her naked, which is like the final insult. You can make a movie that's dumb and annoying and doesn't make any sense, but when you squander a fine piece of ass like that, well, that's the straw that broke the camel's back as far as I'm concerned. I guess Cocoon is such a shitty movie that even when you make it evil it still sucks ass.

*Whatever they're doing it's against the law though, because in the end they get arrested. That's right- not killed or sent to hell or anything, just arrested. Weak.