Home

The Godfather
A Novel for Television

(1977)

Gangster movies almost always rock, and everyone knows that The Godfather is like the RoboCop of gangster movies. This is actually some weird TV edition that puts Godfather Part 1 and Part 2 together and is almost impossible to get, but if you're a hardcore movie person you know that you should always pick the hardest-to-find version of a flick and claim it's the definitive one, then treat anyone who disagrees with you like they're a complete asshole who doesn't know what the fuck they're talking about. So that makes this version the best, especially since all my favorite parts are here:

• The two Eye-talians busting into somebody's house to steal their rug. Seriously, nobody wastes their time stealing a goddamn rug unless they're being a crook just for the sake of being a crook. Fucking wops.

• The part where this one dude doesn't want to do what the Godfather says and goes "I don't care how many dago guinea wop greaseball goombahs come out of the woodwork."

• When Fish comes in with a package of fish. That always cracks me up.

• "Don't forget the cannoli!"

• The world's lightest solid gold telephone.

• The ridiculous "Italian Americans are the salt of the earth" speech.

• All the hilarious parts where mob guys act like they don't want to sell drugs. Give me a fucking break.

The only problem I had with this is that it's so rare I had to watch it on Bravo, and those mouth-breathing pinheads kept covering up the subtitle things with ads for the Paula Abdul show or some such shit. How in the hell did our society degenerate to the point where we'll put up with huge fucking ads right on top of the program we're trying to watch, anyway? Did we lose a war or something? No wonder everybody just steals everything off the Internet now.