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Goregoyles: First Cut

(2003)

The people who made this hunk of ass obviously don't know much about movies. When you make a movie and it's too short, you're supposed to pad it out with boob scenes or maybe people getting in some fistfights or something.* These ass clowns didn't know that rule, though, so they just took two movies that were too short and put them together. They hired some dirty faggot child molester to like introduce both movies so they could pretend that this is one of those movies with a bunch of different stories in it, but everyone knows that those kinds of movies have to have at least three stories in them, so, nice try, but it isn't flying, morons.

The first movie is about this dude who gets possessed by a demon while he's cleaning the garage. If someone I knew told me that I would figure he was just trying to get out of cleaning the garage, but this dude's buddy buys it so he takes him to these two goths to get help, because everyone knows that smoking tons of weed and owning both Kommunity FK albums on vinyl makes you like an expert on the occult. The goths make a pentagram on the carpet out of tape (their mom is gonna be pissed) and try to exorcise the demon but it doesn't work and the dude just tears the goth chick's guts out. (She was pretty cute too- that's a serious waste of some good gothic snatch. We never even got to see her tits.) The demon dude escapes but then all these Catholics disguised as Mormons come after him and when he gets away from them a bunch of Satanists come after him too. Later, after he goes to this one guy with a bad toupee for help, a Satanist shows up and rapes the toupee guy up the ass. In the end the Satanists finally catch the main guy, but he's had enough shit by this point so he uses his demon powers to fuck up everybody. There was a lot of blood in this one, but I like how they didn't show the goth chick naked but went out of their way to work in gay buttsex for absolutely no reason. Fucking queers.

The first movie wasn't very good, but the second one is a total shit-fest. There's zombies everywhere because in the old days this Viking got possessed, they killed him,** then his grave got hit by a meteor (duh). Lucky for mankind a bunch of white trash fucks escaped and are hiding in the woods (their leader is this skinny zit-faced dork whose complexion is so bad that at first I thought he was supposed to be one of the zombies). The whole movie's fucking retarded- in one part, the zombie special effects are a guy with wieners hanging out of his shirt. The only interesting things in this movie were the skinny mom who got killed in the beginning (she was pretty fine), and the chick with the huge rack and the fat ass in the end. If one of those two had gotten naked this still would have been a piece of shit, but at least it would have been a piece of shit with some tits in it.

*Unless it's like a kid's movie- then you pad it out with parts where something sings, usually something that can't sing in real life, like a depressed porcupine or a heroic toaster oven.

**One guy explains it like this: "He became a demon- almost unstoppable. They stopped him." What?