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La Goulve

(1972)

This movie's in fucking French (duh), but I watched it anyway because it says "erotisme sorcellerie fantastique" on the front and I figured there's a pretty good chance that means "fantastic erotic sorceress". It starts with all these little bastards picking on this one kid, probably because he's French (they're frogs too, but that doesn't really matter- everyone hates the French, even the French). This old guy helps the kid out, and it turns out he's a wizard or something because he has all these potions and shit, and when he sticks one of them under the kid's nose (if I understand this right) it smells like the beginning of "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin. The kid becomes like the wizard's "assistant", and I think we all know what that means so I'm glad the movie jumps ahead a bunch of years at this point.

So, the wizard dies, and it looks like the assistant gets all his powers. Sort of a "flash for ass" deal, I guess. After the funeral the assistant goes on a picnic with this redhead who's really hot to trot - she shows him the goods right away and pretty much throws herself at him - but it turns out that she's whoring around on her real man so he runs away. Later this blonde shows up, but when he macks on her she shoots him down, then gets naked and rubs her pussy all over her reflection in the mirror instead (Jesus, talk about egotistical). He's fed up with these fucking bitches (and who can blame him), so that night he casts a spell that makes the redhead orgasm like a maniac and then go crazy, then he turns himself into a chick, pays the blonde a visit, kidnaps her, dykes her up a little bit, and then makes her cut herself and dance for him. It's like an emo slumber party. Meanwhile the redhead traps her boyfriend in a pit, then humps a tree. Eventually she shows up for the lesbo-fest too, but her boyfriend manages to get out of the pit and tries to rescue her with this knife that doubles as a sparkler. The assistant isn't having it, though- he spits some cartoon ghosts out of his mouth and they attack the guy. But then the boyfriend finds the assistant's magic picture, and when he sets it on fire the assistant burns up. Now normally that would be the end of the movie, but you know the French. The boyfriend gets Red out of there and takes her to this old building so they can get some rest,* then he has this weird dream with a bunch of tits in it. When he wakes up Red has flown the coop, and when he finally finds her she's drowning herself. I think she's possessed by the assistant, or maybe the assistant was possessed the whole time by that chick he kept turning into and now she's possessing Red. There's really no way of knowing. Irregardless, whoever's running this puppet show takes over the boyfriend next and that's how it ends.

You know, I don't think this would've been all that much better in English anyway.

*Uh, why not just go home?