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Groovie Goolies

(1970)

This is the worst fucking cartoon I've ever seen. There's no way a normal person could stand it, and I think it would even piss off a retard which means he would do that retard flailing around thing and probably break the television set, so about the only people it would be good for are people who are vegetables although even that's questionable. I would tell you what it's about, but it's not really "about" anything. There's basically all these monsters who live in a castle: a vampire, a Frankenstein monster, a super-irritating hipster werewolf (he seriously sucks), a skeleton who thinks he's Napoleon, a giant hand, a flying piranha (I guess that's where they got the idea for Piranha 2), three little ghoul kids, a two-headed doctor, and a few more, plus Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Huh?), and the Jolly Green Giant (What the fuck?). The monsters just stand around and tell really bad jokes like "How does King Kong like his steak?" "Medium roar",* and after you're done puking from hearing shit like that they play a song. It's like a combination of The Munsters, Laugh-In, and those stupid 1960s bands that did songs like "The Little Old Lady from Transylvania". Since all of those things suck, you can pretty much imagine what a piece of crap this is. Every once in a while something completely unbelievable and fucked-up happens (a flying broom gets drunk, this chair keeps sexually molesting the vampire, the skeleton reads "Play Bone" magazine, the ghoul kids get spanked so much that it crosses the line into disturbing**), but mostly it's like watching an old Count Chocula commercial, except they aren't trying to sell you cereal and it isn't as funny. At least some of the songs they do are okay, so if someone hates you so much that they actually buy you a copy of this my suggestion to you is to kick that person in the face, then just fast-forward 'til you get to the music videos. If you ignore my advice and decide to watch the parts with the jokes, don't e-mail me complaining because I fucking warned you.

*Whoever came up with that should be stabbed in the throat.

**How about someone spanking Sabrina instead? That would've been hot.