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Guns N' Roses
Chinese Democracy

(2008)

Goddammit. I can't believe Chinese Democracy finally actually came out. It ruins everything. It was ten times more entertaining not coming out than it could ever be as a real album, no matter how good it is. The only way Axl Rose could possibly justify the last 20 years of his life is if this was the best album ever made, and the only way it could be any more hilarious for the rest of us is if it was the worst. So who wins? Nobody, because it's just kind of... average.

Terminally. Fucking. Weak.

The first song sounds like someone took an old Guns & Roses cassette and taped over it with Nine Inch Nails but somehow you could still hear both, and the rest of it sounds like It Bites but with less noodling around, which is pretty bizarre since you’d think with all the tweaking this damn record went through it would be nothing but noodling around. Overall it's nothing special, and if this is what Axl Rose's obsessive nitpicking accomplished after all this time it's pretty obvious he's fucking insane. I'll bet good cash money that he eats all his meals in alphabetical order and freaks out if someone puts something back in the spice rack in the wrong slot. It really is ridiculous. Think about it: you can listen to the whole album at MySpace, it's available as MP3s on iTunes, and one of the songs was used in an Xbox game, and none of those things existed when he started making it. There's no way it will ever make any money since it cost a billion dollars to produce and the first person who downloaded it already gave it to everybody else for free, but I think we should all buy a copy on CD anyway. It should be the last CD anybody ever buys, and then the record industry can finally lock up, turn off all the lights, and call it a day.