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Hart to Hart: Old Friends Never Die

(1994)

You know Hart to Hart- it was that show about the rich dude with the hot wife and the old guy who cooks for them (because they're rich and don't know how) and drives them around so they can have adventures. Your mom used to watch it when dad didn't come home after work, and sometimes she would drink a bunch of scotch & sodas and cry? That's the one. Well, after it got cancelled they made a bunch of movies of it and this is one of them.

Mr. and Mrs. Hart to Hart go to this big party Sledge Hammer is having on his island, but then it turns out someone wants to bump Mr. Hart to Hart off. In the very beginning when the bad guy is planning the murder he even has the test victim guy wear a Mr. Hart to Hart mask! Now that's the kind of attention to detail that separates your common everyday criminal from like your full-on Dr. Doom-on-angel-dust psychopath. While Mr. and Mrs. Hart to Hart try to figure out who wants to kill him, they send the old chauffer guy out to find some other information that doesn't have anything to do with anything; I figure they know he's just a senile old moron, but they wanted him to feel included and stuff. Anyway, this is supposed to be a mystery or whatever, but they just keep pulling all the clues out of their ass so you can't really solve it like you could Encyclopedia Brown or something.* Plus of course even when people get knocked off they don't show any blood. I will say this, though: Mrs. Hart to Hart still looks pretty fine for an ol' lady- if I got half a bottle or so of rum in me I'd tap that ass in a heartbeat.

*Actually I never could figure out those fucking Encyclopedia Brown mysteries. Lousy know-it-all little punk.