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The Hills Have Eyes

(2006)

When they invented the cellular phone it must've been a real pain in the asshole for the people who make horror movies- now every single time they have to work in a part where somebody goes "I can't get a signal out here!" It's like the new black. Anyway, the original Hills Have Eyes was awesome, but of course they had to make it again even though - as usual - they left out the best parts, like when the good guys use their dead grandma as bait. At least it's gory, and the little teenage hottie in this version is a definite bonus (too bad she never gets naked). The mutants are ridiculous though: if I came into this flick in the middle I'd think it was a particularly good fan movie starring Jason Voorhees, Charles Manson, a Cenobite, Stiv Bators's corpse, and a random alien from Star Trek: The Fake Generation. And how come every scary movie has to have some clown in it who's saved every newspaper clipping about the horror they could find and plastered them all over the place so someone can discover them and be like "Just what the Sam Hill is going on around here?" right before they get a pickaxe in the back of the noggin? I'm seen this bit so many times that when I went over to my old bat neighbor's house to borrow a cup of ipecac and saw Family Circus cartoons pasted all over her fridge I just went ahead and took her out with a 12 gauge. No reason to take any chances.