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House IV

(1992)

The Greatest American Hero dies in a car wreck (should've been wearing the Suit, idiot), and his wife and daughter inherit his crappy old house. It turns out it's haunted though: there's noises in the basement; blood comes out of the shower;* and, in one of the stupidest parts I've ever seen in a movie, the wife gets attacked by a singing pizza and has to fight it to the death with a knife. Meanwhile, these bad guys want to buy the house so they can dump toxic waste under it. The leader of the bad guys is this dwarf who sucks the phlegm out of his neck with a machine and then pours it down people's throats when they piss him off. When the wife won't sell them the house they send these thugs to scare her out, but they get chased off by a dog lamp that comes to life and bites one of them on the ass. In the end the bad guys set the house on fire, but magic water comes out of the basement and the wife and daughter manage to escape. Their midget maid turns out to be an FBI agent and arrests the main bad guy, and the Greatest American Hero shows up again as a cop and then flies off into space.

I don't know what kind of drugs the people who made this were on, but I fucking want some.

*I'm way fucking sick of blood coming out of faucets and showers in these movies, but we get to see the wife's perky little tits here so I'll let it slide this time.