House of Dracula

(1945)

Dracula gets tired of living forever and nailing tons of hot vampire pussy, so he goes to this doctor to get "cured". Yeah, it really sounds like you got a bum deal there, Dracula. Fuck you. If any doctor can do it it's this guy, though- he's already working on a cure for werewolves and hunchbacks, which comes in doubly handy because the wolfman shows up looking for help too, plus the doctor already has this cute hunchback nurse* and he's probably tired of only being able to do her doggie style. Oh, and he finds Frankenstein's monster lying around so he brings that home too, I suppose just to have a complete set. Dracula is the first one to snap: he tries to put the bite on one of the nurses, then, just for kicks I guess, he like transfuses some of his blood into the doctor. After that he runs away and jumps into his coffin. I guess he thinks he's hiding or something, but since the doctor was right behind him I don't know who he thinks he's fooling: the doctor just pushes the coffin into the sun and that's the end of him. Great plan, Dracula. It turns out the doctor's fucked anyway though, because he starts turning into some sort of were-vampire. He manages to cure the wolfman before he goes completely bonkers, but then he chokes the hunchback (this part's pretty funny) and brings the Frankenstein monster back to life, so the ex-wolfman has to shoot him. The villagers finally show up to kill everybody (at least they knock first), but now it's the Frankenstein monster's turn to go bananas so he busts the whole place up and it caves in on him before anybody has a chance to do anything, which seems to be the basic theme of this dumb movie. Would it be too much to ask that a flick with Dracula, the wolfman, and the Frankenstein monster in it have a part where at least a couple of them fight? I don't think any two of them are even in the same room at one time! I mean, they all pretty much have only one move - choking somebody - so it's not like it'd be hard to stage or whatever. What a fucking ripoff. This movie blows.

*Seriously, for a hunchback this chick is pretty fine.

All original material on this site Copyright 1995-2011 Inept Concepts/Mr. Satanism. All rights reserved. Other materials posted for referential purposes meet fair usage requirements and are copyrighted by their respective owners; their use here does not constitute a challenge of said copyright. By moving your lips while you read this, you waived me of all legal responsibilities into perpetuity. Please do not copy original text or images, in whole or in part, without written permission. My lawyer thinks like Darrow and dresses like McBeal, so she will win. Now buy some merchandise. This site doesn't pay for itself, you know.