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House of Frankenstein

(1944)

This mad doctor is locked in jail. You can tell he's a mad doctor because he has all these formulas and shit written all over the walls, although one of them is "H₂O = H₂O" so it's possible he's just faking it. Irregardless, lightning hits the jail, it collapses (duh), and he escapes, along with his hunchback buddy. You know, I've been thinking a lot about this lately, and I can't remember one time when I've ever actually seen a hunchback in real life. Where do they keep finding these guys? Anyway, these two jokers steal Dracula's skeleton, bring him back to life, and send him to waste the cat who put the doctor in jail in the first place. Dracula decides to mack all over this hottie as a side project though, and when he gets carried away and kidnaps her the cops show up. The doctor may be mad, but he knows when to cut his losses so he ditches out and Drac ends up getting fried when the sun comes up. You know, this sort of thing happens to Dracula all the time- he really needs to start scheduling his escapades a little earlier in the evening. He's such a moron.

Later the doctor goes to Frankenstein's castle and picks up the Frankenstein monster, the wolfman, and some gypsy chick. The hunchback ends up having a huge crush on the chick, but she's not very interested, which is pretty arrogant on her part if you ask me; you're a fucking gypsy, bitch, and frankly you have kind of a fat ass. I don't think you should be so goddamn picky. Anyway, this whole parade of idiots sets up shop in an old laboratory because the doctor wants to turn some other clown he hates into the wolfman. That doesn't exactly strike me as being a particularly well-thought-out idea, but whatever. The doctor also wants to put the Frankenstein monster's brain in the wolfman's body, I guess just to see what happens. That sounds like a pretty dumb reason, but it's totally something a guy would do. Guys are like that. A chick would probably stop and think about it first, which is why there's hardly any girl mad scientists. Naturally things don't go exactly the way the scientist planned (not that he had a very coherent plan to begin with): the chick pops a cap in the wolfman, the villagers show up and start setting everything on fire, the hunchback betrays him, and in the end the Frankenstein monster kidnaps him and they both end up sinking in some quicksand. Way to go, Doctor- when God was passing out "fucking up" you must have invested in the company.