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Nothing to See Here

How to Be a Movie Critic
By Mr. Satanism

There are about 800,000 movie review websites on the internet, and that number doubles every day, so I figured I would write this tutorial to help all the people who want to make their own movie site get started.  First, you should know that being a movie critic is a super-easy gig and the biggest scam ever.  Have you ever watched a movie and then told one of your friends about it?  Well then you're a movie critic.  You're probably all "It can't be that easy" and shit, but it totally is.  Just look at that Siskel N. Ebert guy- he's fat and even he can do it.  It's like a little-known fact or whatever, but Leonard Maltin, another famous movie critic guy, can't even read.  Movie critics try to make it seem all complicated by using meaningless words like "composition" or "mise-en-scène", but it's just a load of crap to make it sound hard so they don't lose their cushy jobs.  Fuck, "mise en scène" isn't even English!  Nice try, movie critics, but we're onto you.

The main thing you have to know is that there's only three types of movies: movies that rock, movies that suck, and movies that are just okay.  Movies that rock usually have lots of cool stuff in them, like tits, tons of people getting killed, stuff blowing up, or punk music.  Movies that suck, on the other hand, can be about almost anything, but they usually have too much talking in them.  Some of the main things that people talk about in movies that suck are political shit, how they don't get along with some other idiot, or how they're in love with some underage hottie but she won't fuck them because they're an old boring dude.  It's usually pretty easy to review movies that rock or suck because you can just say what made them rock/suck and that's the review- like for instance, say you watch a movie where these two hot chicks strip down for some full frontal, give each other the scissor sisters treatment, then shoot a bunch of dudes.  If you just explain what happens people will know that that movie rocks.  On the other hand, if the whole movie is about a bunch of people talking about one dead dude who didn't even die in a cool way and in the end the big twist is that he misses his sled, it's pretty obvious just from what happens that that movie sucks.

It's risky, but sometimes you can tell if a movie is good or not just from the poster or the video box.
Like the movie on the left has a pretty serious chance of being completely lame, but there's almost
no way the one on the right could be anything but totally awesome.

The hardest movies to review are the ones that are just okay.  Usually a movie that's just okay is a movie that could've rocked but fucked up, or a movie that should've sucked but did one or two cool things.  Like, say a movie is about a killer robot from the future who fights a bunch of Marines.  That's a movie that should rock, but then say for some reason only three people die in the movie and in the end the robot becomes their friend.  That's totally gay, but it doesn't completely suck because maybe one of the people who died exploded and there was blood everywhere and some of it even got in the main chick's mouth.  On the other hand, in one of those movies where an old geezer is in love with some young hottie and whines about it the whole time you might have a part where the hottie gets totally naked, like maybe to tease him or to fuck some other dude.  Now you have a movie that would have totally sucked, but it has that one good part.  When you have a situation like that you have to explain what was good and bad about the movie so people can make their decision to see it or to just stay home and get drunk.  Like you might say "This movie was totally boring and weak, but Lady Sovereign was in it and in one part she gets naked and they show everything."  Now people who don't normally want to see a lame movie but who want to see Lady Sovereign naked will know they should go to that movie.  Or you might say "This movie is about a serial killer but they don't show any of the murders!  What a bunch of fags!"  Now a person who likes serial killers but wants to see a good movie about one, not some weak-ass PG-13 piece of crap, will know not to waste his money on that movie.

Weak

MOVIE CRITIC BASICS

STAR RATING SYSTEM You should have a rating system of 1 to 4 stars because lots of people are too stupid or lazy to read a whole movie review and will just look to see how many stars you gave it.  (If you're really nit-picky and shit you can use 1-5 or 1-10 stars, but you shouldn't use any other number of stars because you'll just confuse people.  No one will know what a 69-star movie is for example.  You can also use half stars: like say a movie might get "three and a half stars".  I would avoid that though because it makes you look wishy-washy.)  If you're really lazy you can usually just write a bunch of gibberish as the review part as long as you remember the stars and almost no one will notice.  Some people use things other than stars, like little popcorn boxes or something.  That's fucking queer though and you shouldn't do it.

OSCAR PICKS Every year this guy Oscar picks what movies he thinks are gonna win the Best Movie awards on that show that's on every year but no one actually watches because it's boring and the best movies never win anyway.  But people expect movie critics to pick what movies they think are gonna win, and every critic is allowed to call them Oscar Picks because Oscar of course isn't a real person.  He's like symbolic or whatever.

Best Movie awards aren't really that hard to get.  They gave
one to this guy just for making fun of George W. Bush.

ACCEPTING GIFTS OR MONEY TO SAY A MOVIE ROCKS You should always do this.

TECHNICAL TERMS I don't like to use super-insider terms like "director" or "actor" in my reviews because I want them to be like accessible to the common man or whatever, but it's good to know what they mean so that if some guy calls you up yelling "I directed that picture you ignorant hack!" you'll have a better idea of what's up his ass.

-Producer This guy puts up the money to make the movie, so he gets to prance around all over the place even though he doesn't actually do any work.  He's usually a Jew.

-Writer This is the dude that came up with the movie, like the whole story and everything.  Usually they change every single thing he did by the time it's all over though.  Writers like to bitch about this but they still get paid and now they can use the parts that got changed in another story and sell it again, so I don't see what their problem is.

-Director This is the cat that actually tells everybody what to do while they're making the movie, and he has the power to make things better or worse than the story the writer gave him.  Like, he might be a pussy and decide not to show some gory stuff that's supposed to be in there, or he might be cool as fuck and add, say, parts with naked chicks where there used to be parts with fully-clothed chicks.  Whenever a movie completely sucks or rocks this is the guy who usually gets blamed.

-Actors These are the dudes who are actually in the movie.  They think they're super-important, but really they're not.  Sometimes the director or producer or something will be like halfway through making a movie and just be like "You suck and we're replacing you with Michael J. Fox and starting all over!" and the actor can't do shit about it.  It happens all the time.

-Actresses The most important part of a lot of movies, because without them there wouldn't be any tits.  Some actresses won't show their tits; they usually aren't in very many good movies.  There's also actresses who are too old or fat to show their tits, but they still get to be in movies because they either used to be hot and we owe them, or they know how to cook or something.

Misty Mundae is an example of one of America's great actresses.  She's naked in almost all her movies.

-Editor This guy puts all the parts of the movie into order when they're done doing everything else.  If he wants, he can make a good movie really shitty or a shitty one a little better.  He never gets any credit though, so he's usually really pissed off and spends all his time yelling crap like "You haven't given me anything to work with!" 

-Key Grip This is a good guy to make fun of because regular people don't really know what he does, even though he's actually kind of important.

OTHER WORDS FOR "MOVIE" You'll probably get tired of writing "movie" all the time, but you have to be careful.  Words have like subtle meanings, so you have to watch how you use them so that you get your point across or whatever.

-Flick This is a friendly word for "movie".  Flicks are like a guy named "Larry".  Larry's just an all-around good guy.  It's okay to call any movie a "flick".

-Film This is a little pretentious and you should avoid it.  If someone says something is "an important film" you know it will definitely be super-pretentious and probably suck.

-Motion Picture Any movie that calls itself a motion picture will suck.  If it calls itself "The Motion Picture" then it sucks especially hard and they're trying to hide it by making it sound really important and shit.  You should never call a movie a "motion picture" unless you're making fun of it, like say "Today I saw Air Bud- The Motion Picture".

-Talkie This is an old word for movies, because when they first invented them they forgot to invent sound and when they finally got around to correcting that or whatever (idiots) they called the movies where you could actually hear shit "talkies".  There's no reason to call movies "talkies" anymore, but lots of pretentious art fags still make movies in black & white so I'm sure sooner or later someone will come along who's so fucking pretentious that he makes a movie with no sound too.  So who knows you may get a chance to use it.

WHAT TO DO IF A MOVIE GUY GETS MAD AT YOU This is like your goal as a movie critic.  People who make movies are usually pretty busy, so if you can actually get one to call you on the phone or e-mail you just to yell about your review then that's like the movie critic's version of winning the Super Bowl.  If the movie was actually pretty good and you just shit on it because the director's niece wouldn't go out with you or some petty reason like that, it's like winning the Super Bowl while you're in a wheelchair.

I hope this information helps you in your quest to be a movie critic, the biggest hoax job in the universe.  If you have any other questions about how to be a good critic e-mail us and I will answer them here.  Except for you, Leonard Maltin- you can suck my dick.

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