How to Slay a Vampire

(1995)

These two fucking dorks are cleaning their basement when they find an old vampire in the closet. After they steal his wallet they try to kill him in all these gory ways, but they don't show any of it! Fucking weak. Finally the vampire wakes up and goes around stealing tampons and in one part he fucks a blowup doll. They must have thought that part was pretty fucking funny, because the blowup doll scene goes on for like a hundred years. From now on, whenever something takes forever and really, really sucks, I'm going to say at least it wasn't as bad as the blowup doll scene from How to Slay a Vampire. Nobody will know what the hell I'm talking about, but fuck them; they didn't have to watch this piece of shit. Anyway, the dorks decide they have to find the vampire and kill it, so all these antics ensue. The dudes who made this movie are way too into sticking things up people's asses - I wouldn't feel too safe getting drunk and passing out at their house or anything- and most of the movie was stupid as fuck, but it had three or four funny parts, so I guess technically that makes it better than, say, Big Daddy.

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