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Hulk

(2003)

Everybody knows Bruce Banner turned into the Hulk because the Commies dropped a nuclear bomb on him while he was trying to rescue some hipster idiot from a missile range. Not in this movie though; in this movie there's like this huge complicated explanation that practically takes a month to lay out, as if people who enjoy the Hulk really have that kind of time. They've got to get home so they can put all their comic books into plastic bags and shit. Besides, The Hulk is basically about the Hulk smashing stuff- you don't need to have this plot that Thomas Pynchon couldn't follow just to explain it. Now, the best Hulk comics were always the ones where he kicks the shit out of another superhero, because when there weren't any other superheroes to fight pretty much all he did was jump around the desert feeling sorry for himself. There aren't any other superheroes in this movie, though; instead, he fights a killer poodle. If you haven't seen this piece of shit you probably think I'm making that up, but I'm not. In one part he ends up in San Francisco, and at least he tears some of that burg apart (take that, you fucking gay hippies), but that only takes up like five minutes or so and I swear this movie is at least 16 hours long. The only good thing about it is that Bruce Banner's girlfriend is the chick from Creepers and Career Opportunities, only one of the choicest pieces on Earth, but she never even shows off her rack! And as if all that isn't bad enough, of course they made the Hulk a cartoon, so needless to say he looks totally shitty and fake. Here's a news flash, dipshits: we can see Hulk cartoons on TV for free. This movie bites.