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I Bury the Living

(1958)

At the beginning of this movie it says "Science has learned that man possesses powers which go beyond the boundaries of the natural." What? No it hasn't. Anyway, this guy gets a job running the local cemetery, and they have this big map of the place with pins in it for all the graves- black ones if there's someone buried there, and white ones if it's some anal-retentive moron who bought his grave in advance or whatever, because that's way more fun than, say, going on a bender. Seriously, who does this? When I die they can chop me up for dog food for all I care. They should make a flick where a dude dies and they do chop him up for dog food but then all the dogs who eat him get possessed and go around attacking people who pissed him off and shit. That would be a lot cooler movie than this one.

Anyway, pretty soon the guy figures out that if he puts a black pin in the grave of somebody who's still alive, they die! He starts to freak out, but people keep forcing him to put black pins in their graves, even though every single one of them dies and by the fourth or fifth time you'd figure one of these morons would think twice about trying to prove him wrong and just let it fucking rest. Finally the main guy totally snaps and starts putting white pins in dead people's graves.  I figured that meant we were at least gonna get a little zombie action, which might actually liven things up (ironically), but unfortunately that's not what happens. Instead, it turns out the old caretaker was killing everybody because - get this - they wanted him to retire with full pay. What the fuck? You mean to tell me this cat offed like six people because they were trying to make him do less work for the same amount of money? What is he, a Communist or something? That's completely retarded. The only good part of this movie is when the main guy's annoying, clingy girlfriend asks him if they can get married and all he says is "If you're gonna cry, do it someplace else." Ha! Take that, you needy bitch.