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Iceman

(1984)

Some cats find a caveman frozen in a block of ice and when they thaw him out the cracker motherfucker is still alive. Why are all cavemen white, anyway? Didn't we evolve from Africa? Anyway, they put him in this artificial forest so they can study him and shit, but for some reason it never dawns on anybody that he might get bored, walk more than 20 feet in one direction, and escape. That's exactly what happens and normally the next step would be the caveman going on a rampage, but unfortunately this movie thinks it's important or something so instead they just catch him again and we have to put up with like an hour of this one idiot trying to befriend him. It's pretty much exactly like every other movie where something weird (E.T., Johnny 5, Bigfoot) turns up and everybody argues about whether they should dissect it or not until a hippie, a liberal, or a small child helps it get away. The only difference this time is that the dude who helps the caveman get away also ends up getting him killed (he seems pretty happy about it too, the dick). Since we've seen all this crap before and nobody remembers this movie anyway, I think they should've added in some parts with people falling down and maybe tacked on a laugh track and tried to pass it off as the pilot for that sit-com about the Geico Cavemen. If nothing else at least the people who made that dumb show could've saved some bread.