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Image of the Beast

(1980)

Christians are always talking about hell and whores that babble on and dragons and shit, so it's a mystery why their movies are always so lame. Well, this one actually isn't half bad and it's about time. It starts out with these people getting decapitated because they won't stop being Christian or whatever. One broad gets put in the guillotine, but before they can lop her head off there's an earthquake and everybody runs away. She tries and tries to get loose but the earthquake finally makes the blade fall and chop! Ha ha! Awesome.

Next, this dude hooks up with a couple of chicks and a little kid who are hiding out because they don't want to get the latest version of a grocery store "loyalty card", which is basically a tattoo they put on the back of your hand. They all head for the hills, but one of the chicks gets shot so the main dude just leaves her behind to get captured (what a cock). Everybody ends up hiding out with this crazy preacher, and they use pocket calculators to try to hack into the government's computer system. Okay, I know this was made in 1980 and computers weren't actually invented yet, but come on, that's just fucking retarded. One day they run out of batteries, so they have to go to the evil store to get some. The dude and the chick both have fake tattoos on their hands, so they can actually buy shit and take advantage of the 2-for-1 deal on all Banquet frozen meals and everything, but they're using like the same fake ID number or something so they can't shop at the same time or they'll get busted. So naturally they get in line at the store at exactly the same time, an alarm goes off, and the dude gets nailed. Goddamn are these people morons. Anyway, just about everybody ends up getting caught except for the chick and the preacher, who get wasted when these giant scorpions show up (I'll have to admit- I didn't see that coming). Finally the only people left are the chick who got shot,* the main dude, and the little kid, and they all get decapitated (even the kid!).

Of course they kept going on and on about the Bible in this movie and those parts were kind of lame, but since most Christian movies are about a little girl who befriends a horse and it turns out the horse stands for Jesus or some such shit this is a definite step up. It's definitely the one to pick if the person you're with wants to watch a religious movie and the store is out of Omen IV.

*It turns out this chick has some some pretty nice legs- I guess it was too much to hope for that we'd see her naked, though.