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Isis

(1975-1976)

The first thing you need to know about Isis is that she's so goddamn hot that it doesn't matter if her television series is any good or not, which was a pretty lucky break for her because it isn't. Basically, she's a teacher who turns into a superhero to help her students and teach them valuable lessons. And they fucking need it, too: these clowns manage to turn almost every ordinary problem into some zany, mind-boggling disaster. For example, this one kid loses some stupid contest, so he can't use the prize money to buy a car like he was bragging he was gonna do ("Now I look like a dummy!"). Solution: steal a force field machine and sell it to the mob! Another kid just wants to get out of cleaning the yard, and somehow he ends up being attacked by a bear! Then there's the guy whose ham radio won't work, so he drives off a cliff! A chink girl is embarrassed by her dad, so in like two separate incidents she almost gets mashed to death by a crane and falls down a well! Or what about when Isis's friends get trapped in a cave by a landslide, and there just happens to be a gorilla in the cave that attacks them with a four-by-four! I really don't understand how these morons get into these predicaments. Then there's the "valuable lessons", which don't always make a lot of sense ("What Steve has to do is remember to use the muscles he has- the ones between his ears." What?). The best has to be the one about blind people: right after they give us the big "blind people can do anything" speech, this blind kid stumbles around breaking shit, accidentally starts a fire, and then falls in the lake! Ha! Duh. When things get too heavy Isis asks Captain Marvel to help out, which is probably a nice change of pace for him since all he ever seems to be doing otherwise is randomly moving logs and rocks around. He really needs to get cable or something. Obviously this program is completely inane, but who cares when Isis looks like this:

I'm not surprised nobody ever figures out that Isis and the teacher are the same person- with a body like that who the hell's looking at her face? Throw in her little Asian friend, who's a pretty tasty piece of Chu Yung Tang herself,* and you've got a show that definitely rocks, no matter how goddamned ridiculous it is.

*Too bad they replace her with a piss-ugly black chick for the last few episodes.