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Is Your Number Up?

(1992)

This video came in like a plain white sleeve with nothing else written on it. I kept seeing it at this one store and wondering what it was about: The Grim Reaper? The end of the world? I figured whatever it was it would have to be pretty fucking awesome, so I finally bought it and it turned out it's about cholesterol. Fucking weak. It starts out with a little black kid in sunglasses rapping in Ebonics* on a street corner ("Stay away from chips / And candy too / Or the person having heart attack / Might be you...") while a crowd of people watch and dance. If you're like a charity or something, write this one down: black people respond best to messages presented in the form of "rap". And I seriously hope the people dancing were paid to be in this video, because I hate to think that there are clowns out there whose lives are so fucking lame that they would actually think "Look! It's a little brother rapping about junk food! That's got my booty shakin'! Fuck yeah! I ain't missin' this! Unemployment Office ain't goin' nowhere!" For some reason one guy in the crowd was in like this fucked-up animal costume that was either a cow or possibly a lamprey. I kept wondering if he was like one of the cholesterol people, or if he was just some bystander on the way to his job at Lamprey Bell or whatever who got caught up in all the excitement.

Anyway, next they show us these props and stuff, like a big plastic mold of fake fat. (If I had this, I would sneak it into a party and then leave it in the toilet: "For the love of fuck- who was in here last and didn't flush???" That'd be hilarious.) Then they talk about some exercise program that one lady says made her "more faster". I'm not sure if it made her more dumber too, or if she was just stupidest already. This part ends with them hinting that maybe we should send them some money or something to keep up the good work. Yeah, keep dreaming, dilwads.

Next we get to see this TV ad about cholesterol. This little bald guy runs past all these announcements and shit on buses, newspapers, and an airplane about getting his cholesterol checked, then falls in a manhole. The message here is if that ol' cholesterol doesn't get you the CHUDs will, and then they'll have high cholesterol. I guess.

The next part of the video is about "DISC", which is this experiment or something where they give a bunch of kids a special diet to see if it makes them healthier or if it just fucks them up. Way to toy with peoples' lives, DISC. Then they say that they have problems when "...occasionally a member of the family refuses to follow the diet." What the fuck? Isn't this like some volunteer thing? If not I assume these family members are summarily executed. Another thing these retards worry about is that children in the experiment might be "labeled" by their peers and shit. Yeah, I remember what a target the "healthy" kid was in my school, just behind the "booger-eater" and the girl whose dad was a Communist. They talk about some other programs and stuff too, like "PEPI" (the first experiment named after a small dog) and "CRISP", where old people "share experiences", like the time they ate cereal, or the time they considered taking their own lives because they were so bored they joined some fucked-up experiment group just to have someone to talk to about cereal. They say they use the old people to test new drugs too, I guess because the tree-huggers would cry if they used animals and no one knew where to find a boxcar packed to the gills with relocated Jews.

The last part of the video is about people who have bad cholesterol because of genetics, like maybe because their mom ate a lot of bacon and milkshakes when she was pregnant or something. They show this hot brunette getting her foot rubbed by a doctor, which satisfies his fetish I guess but I'm not sure how it's supposed to lower her cholesterol. He needs to get crackin' too 'cause the narrator says that this dame's cholesterol is so bad she has to get her blood filtered once a week, like Keith Richards used to before he just out-and-out turned into a zombie. This video was made in 1992 so this chick's probably dead by now, which sucks ass 'cause she looked like a great piece. I'll bet that creepy doctor snuck into the morgue and stole her foot.

In conclusion you would think a tape like this would, I dunno, maybe like tell you how to lower your own cholesterol or something, but I guess they forgot because it doesn't. Another fine job, shitheads.

*When people don't know how to talk right you're supposed to call it "Ebonics", so as to not hurt their feelings and shit.