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"It's Alive!"

(1969)

This complete cocksucker and his ridiculously hot wife are on a road trip, even though he isn't too keen on the idea ("You and your fool notions- traveling cross-county in an automobile like a couple of poverty-stricken gypsies!"). They end up getting lost and running out of gas, so they stop at this old dude's place for help. It turns out the old dude is completely cracked though, and he locks them in this cave with a monster. "Perhaps you know of my creature. It's great, and powerful!" he says. After that the movie pretty much stops making any goddamn sense. For example, this scared old lady the crazy guy keeps around just strolls in and out of the cave any time she wants to bring them food and shit, so why the fuck don't they just push her down and escape the way she came in??? Later on this other cat they find locked in the cave gets shot in the chest with a pistol, but he isn't hurt at all and says it just "knocked the wind out of him". I suppose he could be full-on gangsta and wearing a bullet-proof vest under that shirt, but I think there's a better chance that the people who made this movie are so dumb that they don't know how guns actually work. There's also the longest, most pointless flashback in history (in one part, the crazy dude walks really slowly down some stairs, stands there for a minute, and then walks right back up to where he started). Of course the ugly old hag undresses instead of the hottie (thank fuck we don't actually see anything), and the monster suit is so bad that if you gave it to a 8-year-old to wear on Halloween he would probably write off the candy and just stay home to avoid the embarrassment. In the end the good guys escape and blow the cave up with dynamite, then the main guy starts ranting (well, more like whining, actually) "Maybe there never really was anything! You understand? Maybe there was never anything!" What the hell is he talking about?  Considering that this clown was also the main guy in Catalina Caper, probably his fucking career.