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The Jupiter Menace

(1982)

This starts out like a real movie, with a cool-ass human sacrifice and everything, but then it turns out it's just some Discovery Channel type crap. Actually, that's not even true- the Discovery Channel would never touch this. They'd probably run it on The Loony Channel (TLC) though; they're always showing idiot programs about Atlantis coming back from the dead and sending UFOs to the moon or something. God that station's retarded.

Anyway, this video is actually about the end of the world. The main gist of it is that because of astrology (I guess) the whole world is going to be destroyed by earthquakes and volcanoes. One guy even uses a computer and the Bible to prove that it'll start to happen by 1983!* They talk to scientists, survivalists (always hilarious), and religious kooks, but my favorite was the town of morons who say that they're going to escape the earthquakes by building "two to three thousand airships" to fly away in! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha! Now it's time to bring on the psychics! One psychic says that "400 million people" will die in earthquakes and shit "by 1990". Wrong again, Carnac. Later they "simulate" one of these super earthquakes with a computer, but the computer they use would embarrass Tron, so it's pretty pathetic. The guys running the simulation are impressed though- they stand there with their mouths hanging open like retards, like they had no idea what to expect or something. You wrote the program, idiots.

You can't talk about flakey shit like this without rapping with at least one Indian, so he's up next. I'll give him props- he doesn't bring up the "Great Spirit" even once. I think he was drunk, though. Next they start talking about "pole shifts". From what they say, this is when the whole Earth flips over in space, and "According to psychic prediction, Bible prophecy, and Indian beliefs, the Earth is about to topple again." I think I'll hold off worrying about that until I hear about it from a more reliable source, like FOX News or a Magic 8 Ball, especially since their main psychic says "I usually feel very reluctant to give a date for my visions." I think you're a little unclear on the concept, pal. Oh, and since they say that one of the things that can cause a "pole shift" is too much ice at the North & South Poles, I guess that means that global warming is actually saving the world. Take that, liberals. One thing the fake psychics, religious retards, mail-order scientists, crackpots, idiots, and goons all agree on is that all this shit was supposed to go down in the year 2000, probably on May 5th. Cinco de Mayo, huh? No wonder I missed it. I was drunk.

*(Spoiler warning) It didn't.