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Leatherface
Texas Chainsaw Massacre III

(1989)

Imagine this: you're sitting around Hollywood being a movie guy when suddenly you get this phone call from some cats who want you to make The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 3. You're all like "Rock on, sign me up," and then, since you don't have time to watch movies because you're too busy doing drugs and fucking dumb chicks who think you'll make them a star, you rent Part 2 to see where they left off and it turns out that at the end of Part 2 everyone died so utterly that there's no possible non-retarded way to bring them back. Now you're fucked: no matter what you do, all the nerds who liked The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1 and 2 are gonna be up your ass for the rest of your life, and you won't even be able to go out for a pack of smokes without some geek giving you shit about it and asking you idiot questions about "Chop Top".

With that in mind, I think the people who made this did an okay job and if you disagree with me I've got a bridge you can buy, because you'll need something to stand on while you suck my balls. Seriously, this flick is acceptably badass - I especially like the part where Leatherface first shows up - and even if it wasn't it stars the goddamned She-Wolf of London and I would rail her to the point of losing consciousness. But even though I like this movie I do have a few questions:

1. Did you ever notice that the armadillo the good guys run over and the coyote the crazies throw at their truck later both have some silver doohickey attached to their ears? What the hell are those, the prop guy's tracking devices or something? Nobody's gonna steal your rubber armadillo, idiot.

2. Why is the mental hottie who gets run through with a chainsaw not naked when this goes down? Also, why is She-Wolf of London wearing such ugly, unflattering pants? How about a short skirt or, better yet, nothing?

3. At the very end, where the fuck did the guy with the sledge hammer come from? For real, they're parked in the desert with nothing but flat for like miles around and suddenly this joker pops up out of nowhere. There's only two possible answers: either he's like that wrestler Sting and just dropped out of the sky, or he was hiding up the black guy's ass.

4. Why isn't She-Wolf of London out on DVD yet? That show kicked ass.

5. Also The Secret Adventures of Jules Verne. Seriously, what the fuck?