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Lithium Springs

(2006)

This annoying jackass steals a map from the library that says there's buried treasure hidden on this golf course. He sneaks onto the course with his wiener dog to dig the treasure up, but after we break for a short homoerotic interlude (some faggot in Speedos who shows up and just stands there rubbing lotion all over himself for absolutely no reason) he gets chased away by security. Later he comes back to look for the treasure again, but somehow he gets caught up in this hippie crusade to protect a swamp from these evil developers instead.* Okay, let's stop right here; who - outside of the toad population - thinks we don't have enough swamps? That's like a rhetorical question or whatever, because the answer is nobody. That's the whole reason hippies came up with the word "wetlands" in the first place; "wetlands" sounds like a nice place you'd want to protect, whereas "swamp" sounds like exactly what it is- a bug-ridden cesspool full of malaria and killer crocodiles. Fuck the swamp. The people trying to buy the swamp are so shady that their lawyer doesn't even have an office - all his meetings take place out in the woods and shit - so you know they're supposed to be the bad guys and progress be damned they're gonna lose. So now if I want to buy a Big Mac can I go to the McDonald's they were gonna build down the street? No, I have to go to the swamp. And they don't have Big Macs, so I starve. Thanks a lot, you goddamn environazis. I hope a huge fucking alligator pops out of your precious "wetlands" and eats your stupid little scuba suit-wearing wiener dog. We'll see how much you like the swamp then.

*In the movies, anyone who wants to build anything, anywhere, for any reason, is automatically evil. If the people who made movies had their way, we'd all be living in holes we dug in the ground with a big piece of bark. I don't know where they'd expect us to plug in our DVD players.