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Lucas

(1986)

This movie stars one of those fucking Coreys who were so popular in the 1980s, and that's its first big mistake right there. Does anyone really want to see a Corey get the hot 16-year-old redhead? I know I sure don't. I want to fuck the hot 16-year-old redhead myself, right after I'm done punching Corey until he cries. I guess the redhead in this flick feels the same way (except maybe about the punching part), because she decides to go out with the cat from Red Dawn and Grizzly 2 instead. Corey figures the only way he's gonna have a chance at even a little stinkfinger with this chick is to be on the football team, but he's too small so he decides to piss off the coach so much that the coach puts him in just to see his irritating ass get steamrolled. Now in real life Corey would've gotten run the fuck over, been paralyzed from the waist down, and spent the rest of his life pissing into a bag and it would have been awesome and hilarious, but this is a movie so of course he becomes a hero. They don't actually show it, but I think he even ends up with lil' Baby Wynona Ryder, like he deserves that kind of luck. Fuck you, Corey.