Home

Mac and Me

(1988)

Mac and Me is exactly like E.T., except somehow it found a way to suck even more shit. Nobody liked this dumb movie back when it came out, not even little kids or retards, but since they made a special edition DVD of E.T. I think they should do one for this movie too- it's like their big chance to switch all sorts of stuff around and make the movie better. Just in case they decide to do this, I'm going to offer some suggestions:

Right now the movie starts with these aliens getting brought to Earth by mistake. That needs to change, because these are the most irritating, moronic aliens ever and just looking at them pisses people off. If there were really aliens like this, they would have to be wiped out immediately, so what should happen is all these Space Marines come down and kill every single alien except the ones that the movie is about. This part should be really bloody, because people would enjoy seeing these annoying bastards get blasted to shit. Then the Space Marines could capture the last family of aliens left and bring them to Earth for experiments or whatever and that's how the whole thing gets started.

The next thing that happens is the aliens escape and one of them ends up with this crippled kid and his family. This part could pretty much stay the same, except instead of the alien liking Coca-Cola it would be cooler to change it to Jim Beam. Also, when the teenage daughter from next door shows up, she should do a little strip tease out of her fast food uniform to impress the older brother, that way we can see her tits. This chick's way too hot to be walking around with all her clothes on the whole time.

The next scene in the movie is this fucked-up party at McDonald's with breakdancers, football players, and Ronald McDonald. This part can stay in, but when the evil government dudes show up Ronald McDonald should get into the act and help fight them off with kung fu while the kids and the alien escape (there could be some suspense or whatever when the government dudes almost catch the teenage chick by grabbing the back of her McDonald's uniform, but then her shirt comes off and she gets away*).

There needs to be a chase scene where a lot of cars get blown up, so we can put that part here. Of course the kids and the alien get away. Eventually they find the rest of the aliens and save their lives with more Jim Beam. Everybody camps out for the night, they finish off the Beam, and when everybody else passes out the teenage chick gives it up to the older brother. The next morning when they get ready to head out again she can't find her pants, so they have to leave without them (this can be a funny scene- like the aliens ate the pants because they thought they were food or something).

After a while they have to stop for gas, Jim Beam, and condoms, but the aliens (and the hot-ass honey in her underwear) draw all this attention and the cops show up. In the regular version of the movie the aliens get shot at and treated like crap, but they come back to help one of the kids anyway; in the new version, I think it would be better if they decided that they were no longer taking any shit and used their alien powers to kick the absolute piss out of everyone. When the dust cleared, the only people left would be the kids who were their friends. The aliens would use their powers to cure the kid in the wheelchair so he could walk (I don't know how the original left that part out), then they would fly off into space to live happily ever after. Everyone would wave goodbye and the teenage chick would flash her tits so the aliens would have at least one good memory of Earth (well, two). The end.

If you're the guy in charge of making the Mac and Me Special Edition, you can use any of these that you want- just make sure I get a free copy when it comes out. I don't want a credit on the movie or anything, because frankly I don't think I could live with that much fucking shame. No offense.

*There's a lot of McDonald's stuff in this movie and since McDonald's probably paid to put it in there I'm guessing they want to keep most of it, so to make up for the chick not wearing her uniform for the rest of the movie the government guys' guns could all be like digitally removed and replaced with Double Cheeseburgers or something. This would also help explain how Ronald is able to kick their asses.