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Man-Thing

(2005)

This cop gets a job in this swamp town, and of course everyone there is a redneck hick because movies are made in Los Angeles and everybody out there knows that everyone who doesn't live in L.A. or New York is like an inbred hillbilly and shit. That's why when people from L.A. have like layovers in Louisville or something you always see them hiding behind the airport bar with an Air Bud script plugging their ass just to be safe. They know what the score is.

Things are bad in the town because there's this evil company building something, and it's always evil in movies to build shit or do business or make any money at all. That's why there are so many movies about dogs saving the day: Dogs are natural heroes since they don't want any money. At any rate, since everyone knows they're evil anyway, the company just went ahead and got this Nazi-looking symbol to be their trademark, so any hippies who stop by will know where to protest. This is exactly what happens and the cop comes out to take care of business, but one of the hippies is a cute chick so he decides to take her side even after she kicks him in the stomach. Guys are always thinking with their man-thing.

Anyway, there's more trouble afoot or whatever because some big monster is killing all these people and trashing shit, so everybody goes into the swamp at night and wanders around and gets separated and calls out to each other for like a hundred years. Seriously, this was like half of the movie, so if you're really into watching people walk around doing nothing and being unbelievably bored, this movie is almost as good as that Russian movie Stalker. Otherwise you'll probably want to take a nap until Man-Thing finally shows up at the end, then you'll want to throw this crappy movie away and watch something good.