Home

Matthew Blackheart

(1999)

The President has this scientist make a superhero named Matthew Blackheart to fight Nazi monsters. The President tells him "There are forces at work in this country that won't understand you. They'll think that 'hero's' a sandwich," and Matthew Blackheart says "Then let's give 'em lots of mayo, sir." What the fuck are these retards talking about? If these are the people who were on our side no wonder all of Hitler's clones managed to escape. Matthew Blackheart gets put in suspended animation or something and wakes up in 1999, but there's still monsters around so he decides fight them with the help of his new friends: a waitress, a blind homeless guy, and the nerdy kid from Undeclared. I guess all the good sidekicks were taken. The guy in charge of all the monsters, meanwhile, is this skinny faggot who has one of those precious little grunge beards that people who bought lots of Pearl Jam bootlegs used to have. Matthew Blackheart spends most of his time wandering around, having flashbacks, and saying shit that doesn't make any sense at all (like: "Sorry pal, I left my fear pills in my other pants.") until finally it's time for a showdown with the monsters. The homeless guy helps out by showing up with a flamethrower (I guess he found it in a dumpster or something) and the other two help out by being somewhere else. In the end Matthew Blackheart impales the faggot with the American flag which I assume symbolizes America's triumph over grunge music or something. At least that's how I'm gonna interpret it. There's hardly any gore and no tits, so unless you like movies that don't make any sense, suck, and have no tits, don't waste your time watching this.