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Meatballs

(1979)

Meatballs is like the stealth fighter of bad movies. Everybody remembers it being really funny, but if you go back and watch it when you're not baked you realize it's actually a piece of shit. First of all, the jokes (when they even remember to have any) are totally weak. For example, there's a fat guy, and he eats a lot! At the end, this one dude falls in the water! Three times! I can't stop laughing! Bill Murray is in it, but he doesn't have time to be funny because he's too busy trying to help this one kid be less of a faggot (spoiler warning: he fails) and macking on some hideous chick(?) who's so flat drywall makes her jealous. And the music- these are the worst fucking songs I've ever heard. Remember the disco version of the Star Wars theme? Remember the Macarena? Remember when the lead singer of Chicago had a solo career in the 1980s? Well if you put them all together on the same album the soundtrack for Meatballs would still be worse. There are a few hotties roaming around, but none of them show off their tits (what kind of summer camp movie is this???) and the only bone they throw us (heh) is when the finest one crawls across the floor in red panties and knee-high socks. I rewound that part a couple of times.

The chicks of Meatballs: 1. Jailbait   2. Jailbait   3. That's a man, baby
4. Horseface   5. Hottie   6. Baggable & braggable   7. Ugly   8. Super hottie

Unfortunately, a hot chick crawling around in her underwear should be how a movie begins, not the best part in it. And why is it called "Meatballs" anyway? Nobody ate any meatballs. You know the cat who came up with Charlie Brown? I read in some magazine once that they forced him to call his comic "Peanuts" just because they wanted a comic strip with that name, and I'll bet the same thing happened here. Some movie guy was probably all "Meatballs is a funny word. We need a movie called Meatballs," so they just took this flick and called it that even though it doesn't make a lick of sense. Movie people are idiots.