Home

Miniature Golf:
Designing for Profit

(1997)

This tape started with flowers and running water and heavenly music playing. For a second I thought I was dead, but it was just the intro to a video about making money hand-over-fist with your own miniature golf course,* which has always been a way better investment than stocks, bonds, or burying your money in a trunk and shooting your shipmate so his ghost will guard it throughout eternity. Unlike the old miniature golf courses, which lost lots of money because they always threw us... I mean people... out for drinking behind the windmill or playing "strip golf" with 15-year-old girls, these are designed for profit (it says so right in the title), and a bunch of clowns go on and on about how glad they are to have a miniature golf course, and how it makes so much money that they don't even to need to keep their other businesses - like the restaurant or the meth lab - open anymore. Think about the idiots you know who are into real golf and how boring and annoying they are, then multiply that by ten and you'll know what these folks are like. If you like golf and you've got money to throw around, you should invest in bootlegging DVDs of Caddyshack with the missing scenes instead. I've got an original you can burn your master off of, but it'll cost you.

*Also known as "Putt-Putt", "minigolf", "crazy golf", and "the lamest date ever, you cheap bastard".