Monster Ark

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Monster Ark

(2008)

Do you remember the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark? Well the joker in this movie sure didn't, and he almost buys the farm in the first few minutes. He manages to get the goods though- another Dead Sea Scroll. Great, that's all we need. At least this one's kind of interesting: it seems that Bible days were a lot more like a game of Dungeons & Dragons than previously believed, and there's another Noah's Ark out there somewhere with a giant monster in it. The main guy, his cunt-rag ex (who divorced him because he didn't cheat on her)*, an impressive brunette hottie (who never gets naked), and some negligible dork all go to Iraq to look for it, and of course when they find the monster it escapes and starts killing everybody. This flick has Deebo from Friday (that guy's like 50 now- when the hell is he gonna learn how to talk?); a secret cult; parts that so totally rip off Indiana Jones that the dude who wrote this owes George Lucas money; and of course awful cartoon effects that look like a bad video game come to life, except minus the "come to life" part. Too bad it's not scary, it's not gory, it's not exciting, it's not interesting, and there's no tits. The worst thing about it though is all the God crap. I don't watch the Sci-Fi channel to hear a bunch of Jesus bullshit- there's already a channel for that and it's called FOX News. I did like this part though:

Main Guy: "That would imply some level of organized thinking, a higher intelligence."
Deebo: "Don't look at me."

Ha ha! Brilliant.

* Plus she's a preachy, know-it-all Christian, just to make her extra obnoxious.

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