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The Mummy and the Curse of the Jackals

(1969)

This starts with some decent surf music, but it's pretty much downhill after that. This research guy has an ancient Egyptian princess (in near mint condition!) and a mummy in his basement, but they come with a curse so pretty soon he's turning into a werejackal (which is just like a werewolf... except more of a pussy, I assume). Later the princess pops back to life, so he buys her some clothes, teaches her how to put on a bra, and takes her to dinner. It only takes her about five minutes to turn into a typical American whore though- before the dessert tray even comes around she's macking all over his buddy! The main guy turns into the werejackal again, but before he can stake his claim the princess knocks herself out walking into a door and the mummy shows up and carries her off. The mummy and the werejackal start to fight, but then Isis possesses the werejackal's buddy, takes charge of the situation, and tells the princess that this whole crew of pussywhipped dipshits is now at her beck and call. Now, if the movie ended with the mummy, the jackal, and the other guy (I believe he said he was a "junior chemical engineer") running a train on her it all might have been worth it, but that's not what happens. Instead, the main dude's old history professor shows up to help the cops put the kibosh on all this idiocy ("We can't just stand by and let a 4000-year-old mummy and a jackal man take over the city."), which must be what throws their whole plan (whatever the hell it was) out of whack because suddenly the mummy and the jackal are fighting again and the princess just keels over and disintegrates for absolutely no reason. None of it makes any Ra-damned sense, which would be okay if we at least got a peek at those Egyptian tits, but we don't, not even during the nerve-wracking bra scene. The only part of this dumb movie I liked was when the main guy's buddy stops by his house and the front porch railing falls off. "Boy, what a place!" he says. For some reason that really cracked me up.