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Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD

(1998)

For those of you who don't know, Nick Fury is a comic book superspy who works for a group called S.H.I.E.L.D., which stands for "Supreme Headquarters International Espionage Law Enforcement Division". Of course, those words don't actually make any sense in that order, but that's not important. The important thing is that they spell "SHIELD". (Actually they spell "SHIELED", but never mind.) Anyway, they decided to make a Nick Fury movie, and they figured they needed to find the absolute baddest badass of all time to play him. That guy wasn't available though, so they got David Hasselhoff instead and just told him to try to look really constipated. The movie starts when this hot, crazy blonde chick decides she wants to unite all these terrorist groups. Uh, don't "terrorist groups" usually have all sorts of different agendas? Irregardless, she rounds up an army of albinos and guys with pantyhose on their heads and they come up with this plan to shoot some germ warfare into New York City. Before long Nick "David Hasselhoff" Fury is on the case, but he's such a crummy spy he doesn't even know that when a hot chick suddenly starts throwing pussy at you for absolutely no reason she's probably a bad guy, so he ends up getting poisoned. What a fucking moron- no wonder somebody managed to poke his eye out. Now besides saving New York, Hasselhoff needs to find the evil chick and get the antidote before it's too late. ("I'll get that vampire's blood if I have to suck it from her neck!" he says. Uh, that would make you the vampire, Colonel Dipshit.) Nick Hasselhoff and his little fan club attack the bad guys' fortress, but the evil chick manages to cap his ass. It looks like it's curtains for him, but then it turns out he tricked her with a robot duplicate that I guess he had hidden up his ass until now. There's quite a few hot chickies running around this thing, but none of them gets naked, and there isn't even any cool violence. They even screw up a part where an old geezer in a wheelchair gets electrocuted, and that should be comedy gold. Plus they actually say every single one of these things in this movie:

"So we meet again..."
"Silence!"
"That would be telling, wouldn't it?"
"You!"
"There's one possibility, but it's such a long shot..."
"That's an order!"

What a piece of shit. Screw you, Hasselhoff.