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No Such Thing

(2001)

This starts out with a monster in Iceland, but he's more like one of the demons from Buffy the Vampire Slayer than a real monster- you know, just a guy in a mask wearing regular clothes and acting pretty much like a normal person. That's so fucking weak. If you're gonna put a monster in your movie at least come up with something scary and hideous with a huge mouth full of teeth, like the boogens or Julia Roberts. The monster goes on the lamest "rampage" of all time (the most badass thing he does is break some ol' lady's walking stick), but a news company decides to send this girl to investigate anyway. I think we're supposed to like this chick because she's blonde and has pigtails and is completely naive and stupid (and we're supposed to hate her boss because she's all callous and shit and only cares about ratings- wow, that's original), but frankly she was incredibly annoying and I hated her. Anyway, on the way to Iceland her plane crashes and her spine explodes or something so she has to get this dangerous operation and... Okay, wait- isn't this flick supposed to be about a monster? Seriously, what the hell is going on? Screw this dumb Swiss Miss-looking twat and her fucking medical problems- get on with the goddamned story. Jesus Christ. Anyway, after a fucking hour of pissing around she finds the monster and takes him home with her and the story actually starts, but it's the same old shit we've all seen a million times before: the monster becomes a celebrity, the monster gets experimented on, the girl helps the monster escape, blah blah blah. I've read coloring books with a more original plot. What a piece of shit.