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The Odyssey

(1987)

This is about that one guy in olden times who invaded a city by sneaking in inside a wooden horse. You know, I never bought that fucking story. I mean, who would actually fall for that? And besides, even if they were that fucking clueless, who's gonna see a giant wooden horse outside their crib and be all like "Yeah, better bring that inside, before somebody swipes it or something." What the hell did they think they were they gonna do with it? I'm sorry, but the whole thing is pretty suspect. Anyway, it doesn't really matter, because this cartoon is more about his trip home and all the grief he gets into with his sailor pals along the way, not that it's too surprising considering his second-in-command is called "You Lick Us". That cat probably gets them into a scrap every time somebody asks what his name is.

It all starts to go south for these clowns when they stop at this island to round up some grub and get caught by a one-eyed giant. The giant ends up getting totally plastered and passing out though, so the main guy pokes his damn eye out. Blind, drunk, and stupid isn't much of a combination, so the sailors manage to escape. The giant's dad is a fucking god though (nice work, idiots), so he blows them way off course and now they're totally lost. They meet a witch who tells the main guy to go to Hell (I don't mean she tells him to fuck off or whatever, I mean the actual place) and talk to this ghost, so he does and the ghost tells him how to get home and how to avoid all these dangers that lie ahead. The main guy punks Hell's bargain-basement three-headed dog that only has two heads, gets back to the ship, and off they go.

The first danger is some mermaids who supposedly sing this song that's so awesome (even better than Sophie B. Hawkins) that guys can't resist crashing their boats and letting the bitches eat them. The sailors trick the mermaids by plugging their ears, but they're not missing much because frankly it sounds like somebody playing Shonen Knife backwards and at the wrong speed. I really doubt anyone was crashing their boat over that- they were all probably just hoping for a blowjob. The sailors manage to escape the next few dangers too, until they stop at this island where they aren't supposed to kill any of the animals. Unfortunately, this one little cow there is all cute with big Bambi eyes and shit and really, you just have to kill an irritating little fucker like that and when they do all hell breaks loose. The captain of the gods or whatever blows their boat out of the water, and the only one who doesn't buy the farm is the main guy.

Say your prayers, you little bastard.

The main guy ends up washing ashore and meeting this princess, but then - tough break for her - it turns out she has to be sacrificed to the god who started all this trouble in the first place. The main guy jumps the god when he comes to get his sacrifice though, and he makes him grant him two wishes: one, no more sacrifices; and two, to get off his fucking back. The god agrees and everybody lives happily ever after.

Okay, now I thought this was all wrong so I went to the original source (Clash of the Titans) and I was right- it's completely different. It was still an okay cartoon though (even though it wasn't anywhere near gory enough), plus I like that the DVD has this smart-assed quiz with questions like this:

That may seem like kind of a lame "DVD extra", but it's a hell of a lot better than one of those "blooper reels" showing some dullard actor saying the wrong thing fifty fucking times. "Ha ha! He messed up again! What an asshole!" Seriously, DVD producers, we're over that shit.