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The People Across the Lake

(1988)

This family of complete has-beens (the dad is half of Simon & Simon, and the mom is the mom they bumped off in The Hogans) moves to the country, but when they get there there's all these (totally weak) murders. It turns out Maurice from Northern Exposure is keeping his dead wife in the family's basement and doesn't want them to find out.* Now I can see them putting up with this for a little while, but when Maurice kills some guy and leaves his body in the cupboard I think that's a major clue that it's about time for them to blow that fucking popsicle stand. Finally Maurice gets so fed up that he rounds up his son and they come after everybody with hatchets, but the family ends up kicking their asses. (The mom even chucks a hatchet into Maurice's back from like 20 yards. I guess she used to work in the circus or something.) The only good thing about this lame, boring movie is the hot teenage daughter, but of course we never get to see her tits, or even a scene where she lounges around in her underwear. Fucking pathetic.

*Of course they don't even know they have a basement, even though there's like this big cellar door in the back of their house. Fucking dipshits.