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Planet of the Apes

(2001)

Pretty much all the old Planet of the Apes movies started with some astronauts crashing on the planet of the apes and coming up with new ideas is really hard, so that's how this one starts too. This time the astronaut is Marky Mark and he gets caught by the apes, escapes, runs around for a while, completely fails to mack on this insanely hot blonde who totally wants to get on his jock even though he has tons of chances to do it, and finally gets all the people to fight the apes in this big battle. The battle gets ended by a deus ex machina (that's Latin for "complete bullshit") and everybody lives in harmony and shit for about the time it takes to have a big twist end. I don't see how you can have a huge fight with like a zillion apes and people all kicking the crap out of each other and not have a single drop of blood, they should've shown the blonde naked (the first planet of the apes movie was rated fucking G and we saw that main guy's ass for Christ's sake- this is PG-13, so let's see those tits), and they missed a serious opportunity when they didn't have Marky Mark do a rap about apes for like the end credits.* About the only good thing about this movie was this one bitchy ape chick who's at like this ape dinner party in the beginning. I don't care if she is a damn dirty ape- she's totally smokin' and I'd stick it in her in a second. She's a lot hotter than the main ape chick, who's played by that annoying, junkie-looking twat from Fight Club. Chimp makeup only improved that dumb, ugly bitch, that's for sure.

*They could have called his band "Marky Mark and the Monkey Bunch".