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Rose Red

(2002)

This huge-ass house is haunted by a shitload of ghosts. (There's too many to keep track of, but one of them is a gay cowboy! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!) An obnoxious, bitchy professor chick wants to investigate the place, so she rounds up the biggest losers she can possibly find to help her: the dude from Warlock; a momma's boy; an old dude who's taking some mysterious pills on the sly so you know he'll have a heart attack later; a mediocre blonde; an annoying old lady; and a retarded kid. (All these people are supposed to be "superstar psychics", by the way, which is sort of like picking the "wealthiest hobo".) Meanwhile this dean or something doesn't believe in ghosts, so he gets some weasely kid to help him come up with a zany scheme to stop her, which is only like one step away from putting the bitch on double secret probation. This idiotic crap goes on forever, so it's two hours before they get to the haunted house and see a ghost. Two fucking hours! I hope these morons got paid by the minute. Anyway, when they finally get there they unload all the usual ghost-hunting stuff, like cameras and boxes that have little needles that move back & forth, plus some new stuff like a "People Proximity Counter". I guess it's supposed to be all creepy later when the People Proximity Counter shows that there's more people than we see in the room, but I didn't really notice because I was still thinking about how fucking stupid a People Proximity Counter is in the first place. Duh. Everybody walks around for another hour or so, until finally shit starts to go down- basically, imagine every haunted house movie you ever saw and pretend they were all happening at once, except ten times more boring and without any good parts like gore or sex scenes. Eventually it's time to wrap things up, so there's some stupid twists,* everybody suddenly figures out how to escape even though they could've done that about two hours ago, and then half the house falls down, which is way worse than all of the house falling down because now it's easier to come up with Rose Red 2. There's no tits, but the hottest chick is a zombie most of the time anyway; if I want to see tits that saggy and used-up, I know at least one single mom who usually doesn't have anything to do on Saturday night.

*By the way, I'm not buying the fact that anybody would fuck that pig-ugly, bug-eyed black bitch, much less cheat on a hot chick with her, so you can just shove that twist ending right up your ass, Stephen King.