Home

Santa Claus

(1985)

These elfs rescue some jackass who's trying to deliver toys during a blizzard, take him to the North Pole, and teach him to be Santa Claus. The first half of this is movie is fucking awful: the main elf is Arthur 2 on the Rocks (one of the biggest douchebags of all time); the "jokes" are shit like "He just needs a little elf control" (I hope whoever wrote that is getting raped in prison right now. Seriously.); and when they want us to feel sorry for this homeless kid they show him with his face pressed against the window at McDonald's (I'm surprised they didn't have him sing a song about how much he loves Chicken McNuggets during this part). The best though is when Santa meets the homeless kid- instead of helping him out he just takes him for a quick ride in the sleigh and then sends him packing! Maybe he was all out of Christmas miracles, but you'd think he could at least slip the kid five bucks for a sandwich or something. Oh well, he probably would've spent it on booze anyway.

The second half is even worse. Arthur 2 on the Rocks runs away, teams up with a toymaker who's so evil he makes stuffed animals that have nails and broken glass in them (duh), and helps him invent suckers that make you fly when you eat them. Goddammit, that's so fucking piss-stupid it's a fucking insult. And it gets even dumber! There's a flying car, exploding candy canes, a guy who floats off into outer space but doesn't die, and Santa making a huge production out of doing a loop-de-loop with his sleigh to save some people who are falling when he could've just flown straight underneath them without all the fancy showboating and bullshit. How stupid does this movie think we are???  Fuck you Santa Claus, you ass-reaming piece of shit. Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you and rot in piss hell while you're sucking my huge fucking cock. I HATE THIS CUNT MOVIE.  Supposedly it cost like 50 billion dollars to make, so it's fucking awesome that when it first came out it totally tanked and everybody involved took the bath of a lifetime. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha! Justice is served, you goddamned hacks. It truly was a Christmas miracle.