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The Search for Santa Claus

(1980)

Okay, I didn't know much about Santa Claus before I watched this but I always assumed he was invented by the Coca-Cola Company or possibly Al Gore. In this video though some old guy tells the true story to a couple of little kids, which would be cute (I guess) except apparently the true story of Santa Claus involves him kicking the bucket, then some jokers making off with his bones because the goddamn dune coons are coming and they're afraid they’ll steal them (for what fucking reason I can't imagine, but whatever). He also talks about Santa's sidekick (a freaky devil-looking cat who comes for the bad kids), brings up the Old Gods (you know, like Yog-Sothoth), and tells them Santa is the "patron saint" (that's a Catholic thing) of thieves. Jesus Christ, I'll bet those brats had nightmares for weeks. Obviously this tape is fucking awesome. On the back it says "This holiday classic will quickly join the ranks of Rudolph and Frosty as a Christmas tradition to be enjoyed in your home year after year," and if you have kids I think that's a pretty good idea. That'll learn the little bastards.