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Secrets of the Summer House

(2008)

Secrets of the summer house:

1) It has carpenter ants.

2) It's haunted. See, back in the day the cat who owned the place caught the jungle fever, but the slave he wanted to get busy with wasn't having it so he iced the broad.* Now her ghost is super pissed and wants to kill every man in the family. Since none of the people alive now had anything to do with it it's pretty fucking petty and greedy to expect them to pay repar-... I mean to pay for some dead cat's crimes, but the ghost doesn't see it that way so she goes on a rampage. Unfortunately for us, her "rampage" consists of pushing a ladder over, locking a door, and throwing some crockery around. It's not exactly the type of shit that turns your hair white overnight, unless that can happen from boredom too. The best thing about this flick is the main chick's BFF (redhead, smokin' hot, loves the cock), but we never see her naked. We do see the main chick in her underwear though, and that's not a bad consolation prize. Which reminds me of the final secret of the summer house:

3) Remember that time we all went up there for Labor Day weekend? Your sister blew me in the pantry.

*To learn more about this tragic time in American history, we recommend Sticky Fingers by the Rolling Stones.