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Seven Mummies

(2005)

Some crooks manage to bust out of their prison van after it flips over (we don't see how this accident actually happens, but I'm gonna assume it involves Coors, or possibly Coors Light). They make a beeline for Mexico, but along the way they meet this crazy Indian (casino, not 7-11) who says there's gold in them thar mountains, by which I mean that thar desert. Since he doesn't have any proof and they don't know him from 3 Dev Adam they assume it must be true, so they go looking for the gold and end up... Let's see, how can I explain this? If From Dusk Till Dawn was a verb, that's what happens to them. There are a few gory parts, but the movie manages to be a complete fucking ripoff anyway because the mummies don't even show up until the last 15 minutes! Seriously, when I watch a movie called "Seven Mummies" I expect seven times more mummy than I'd get from a regular movie, not four times less. Then there's the fact that this one hooker pops out a set that's so fake and disgusting I damn near puked, but the two hot chicks who are on deck never show us a damn thing. So technically this flick has mummies and tits in it, but realistically it’s like saying an event was catered because somebody threw a 3 Musketeers bar through the window. That sneaky "read the fine print" shit might work with ninth-rate reviewers like Leonard Maltin, but they're not putting one over on Mr. Satanism. This movie can smoke my fucking pole.