Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus

(2004)

Santa Claus Jr. (it's fucking Mahoney from Police Academy) has to get hitched, but he wants to find "someone who feels like the other half of my heart" (Jesus, that's it, I'm gonna hurl). I'm not exactly sure, but I think he just goes door to door asking broads to marry him until he accidentally meets Crystal Bernard. Crystal Bernard's all impressed with his acting (I'll bet that's the first time that ever happened), so he helps her with this commercial she's making and then he uses his Jedi Santa powers to create some bargain-basement Christmas miracles until he finally impresses his way into her pants. The best thing about this movie is Crystal Bernard's legs- she is starting to hag out a little bit, but I still wouldn't mind having those stems wrapped around my waist. Other than that though it's pretty fucking worthless- I mean, Crystal Bernard becomes Mrs. Claus and we don't even see her in a sexy Santa outfit! And does that mean she's gonna get fat now? That fucking sucks.

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