Home

Speed 2: Cruise Control

(1997)

When this movie first came out everyone was all annoyed that (Bill &) Ted from Speed 1 wasn't in it, as if leaving him out of a flick could somehow make it worse. Duh. It's still pretty lame though. It starts with the new main guy chasing someone on a motorcycle, because, you know, speed. Meanwhile, the ugly bitch from the first movie is taking a driving test. She causes at least one serious accident during this part, but the driving instructor doesn't make her stop or anything because leaving the scene of an accident is always madcap and hilarious. Seriously, try it sometime.

Anyway, the ugly chick and the new guy practically crash into each other and it turns out they're an item. They end up getting into a fight though, so he decides to like placate her by buying them cruise tickets, and since all women have a price and that price is usually astonishingly low, his plan works and they're off to the Bahamas. Unfortunately for them, this crazy guy decides to hijack their cruise ship (with golf equipment) so he can wreck it. Everybody abandons ship, but the main dude, the ugly chick, and a few other people get stuck on board so they decide they might as well try to save the day. After that a bunch of idiocy goes down until finally the whole damn boat crashes into a town! Now, I'll have to be honest here- this part is pretty fucking awesome (even if they do show way too many children and small dogs getting out of the way just in the nick of time). You can tell it was the only reason this movie got made. I'll bet it went down something like this:

Movie Guy #1: "You know what would fucking rock? Having a huge-ass cruise ship plow right through an entire fucking town. Let's make a movie where that happens."
Movie Guy #2: "Okay, but what makes that happen?"
Movie Guy #1: "Shit, I dunno. We'll come up with some other stuff. Don't be an asshole."

Too bad the "other stuff" they came up with was the main dude constantly macking on a 14-year-old, a bad guy who thinks he got copper poisoning from surfing the Internet, fat people stripping, and tons of running around and yelling for no particular reason. All this crap is just completely unnecessary. For real, there's no reason for this movie to be more than fifteen minutes long. If you don't believe me, check out my script for the improved version of Speed 2:

SPEED 2: SPEED HARDER [THE AWESOME CUT]

By Mr. Satanism

1. EXTERIOR, THE OCEAN, DAY

A huge cruise ship is just sailing along. Everything's cool, nothing's whack.

2. INTERIOR, THE ROOM WHERE YOU STEER THE SHIP, DAY

The Captain looks at the steering wheel and all the blinky lights and shit. Suddenly he starts to freak out.

CAPTAIN
Oh fuck, I've lost control of the ship!

3. EXTERIOR, HAPLESS TOWN, DAY

The ship crashes through the entire fucking town and destroys everything: the strip club, the nude beach, the Catholic girls' school, the other strip club, and even the Hooters. Tons of people die, and not one single child or small dog escapes.

THE END

If they had put out my version I guarantee it would've made a lot more money, Ted would still be kicking himself for not being in it, and right this minute someone would be in preproduction for Speed 6: Xtreme Speed. When will Hollywood ever learn?