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The Spring

(2000)

FBI Agent Dale Cooper and his kid get stuck in this podunk town where everyone stays young by drinking out of a magic spring. Heh. "Magic spring". That's so gay. Anyway, it seems like a pretty good deal, except it turns out that they make you kill yourself on your 100^th birthday. That's fucking ridiculous- first of all, 100 is like the new 30, and second of all, the only reason to do something like that is so that Dale Cooper can get all bent out of shape about it and there can be a big conflict and shit. You'd figure the big conflict would be Dale Cooper blowing up the spring, or poisoning it, or at least taking a whiz in it or something, but instead it's just him wrestling around with a cop on somebody's front lawn, which is the kind of ending I expect from gay porn not a horror flick. This movie should be like the poster child for weak. And it wouldn't have even come to that if everyone in town had just played it cool when Dale Cooper first showed up, instead of being complete assholes and acting all suspicious and shit. Jesus fucking Christ, people- you're a hundred years old, act like it.